42nd time’s a charm
Complicated Feelings on publication day
A book I illustrated has just been published. Wait, wait - this isn’t a load of promo!
This book is unusual for me because *whispers* I really like this book.
I’m happy with it. Even proud of it. And that, my friend, is deeply unusual.
Warning: This is exactly the sort of post that would have annoyed me a few years ago, I would have muttered “Oh having your illustrations published in books is emotionally tricky for you?! What a nice problem to have! Sucks to be you!” But I did promise you this newsletter would be an honest look behind the scenes.
So, let’s dig in…
This is the 42nd time my illustration work has appeared in print1, and every time I have Complicated Feelings about it. This must be the same for other illustrators and authors but I almost never hear it talked about.
Social media seems full of successful talented people celebrating as they unbox their new books, saying things like “it looks great, I’m so happy!”
Is it just me who’s questioning instead? Could I have made that page more interesting? Why didn’t I spend longer on the road texture? What is going on with that man’s glasses?
14 times2 I’ve opened a parcel of books and my self-confidence has fallen through the floor.
There’s a practical reason for this: there’s a sizeable time gap between the relief of work being signed off by the client and then seeing that work in a book. During that gap I’ve improved my skills, so when I see my past abilities out there so publicly it’s mortifying. Like seeing photos of your teenage self at your most awkward.3
But this time is different.
I worked on this book in a different way to every other project I’ve had published.
The difference was I put myself into this book and when I look at it I can see myself in there. That’s rare and special for me and I want to do it more. *whispers*: I really like this book.
When I first opened this parcel of books instead of despairing, I quietly said ‘oh’.
I turned the pages and saw the little bits of my life I had added - my son’s jacket, our wheelie bin, the weight of a particular hug. The private importance of my two word dedication. All of it mattered to me in a way no other project has.
There’s an emotional reason for this: For the first time I didn’t try to second guess what the client wanted or stress about what an illustrators work should look like. And this was the first time I didn’t hide behind purely digital work4
Instead I found the places in Niall Moorjani’s words where I could glimpse my life, my memories, my sadness and my love. And then I drew those things, right there in a book for everyone to see.
Something quietly magical happened in the making of this book. Why was that?
Maybe it was the specific moment in my life that it landed on my desk?
Maybe I spent more time and brain space on it than usual?
Maybe I finally found my voice in my work?
What’s more likely is that Niall wrote a beautiful story and Katrina edited it brilliantly and I properly tried my best and then Greg the designer made it all even better - and all of those skills and thoughts and feelings have mixed together.
Now this book is out in the world I like to think it will meet a reader who will open it and whisper “I really like this book.”
✏️ How do you feel when you see your work again after a time gap? Proud or critical or complicated?
Epilogue:
I’m now working on book 45 and I’m still working mostly analogue with a bit of digital collaging. And I’m still fearlessly quietly trying to bring my actual self to my work and I think my work is better for it.
ps. After a few months time gap I will most likely re-read this and be mortified.
✨Sliding a tiny bit of promo under the wire✨
⭐️In the US Rajiv’s Starry Feelings received a Kirkus starred review including this nice bit: “…the dazzling illustrations create a sense of wonder that fires up the imagination.”
⭐️UK Children’s Laureate Joseph Coelho called it: “A beautiful story that gently helps children understand and navigate a universe of feelings.”
⭐️Rajiv’s Starry Feelings by Niall Moorjani, illustrated by Nanette Regan is available now in UK, US and Canada. From small independent bookshops, big chain bookshops and online bookshops like Bookshop.org (US) and Bookshop.org (UK) as well as everywhere else books are sold
I’m including not just books but also magazines, stamps, ebooks etc and excluding the book I completed but was never published because of a global pandemic.
This number isn’t a typo. You don’t get a physical copy of your work with every project, it depends on the contract. So far, I have 14 physical printed projects out of the 41 I’ve worked on.
I had a perm. On purpose. I looked like Louis XVI - and not in a good way.
Not slamming digital work here! There is a lot of highly skilled, stunning illustration that has been made digitally. For me, though, it had become a way to avoid exploring my craft and my voice.
All my posts are remaining free and open for the foreseeable future! If you fancy getting me a cuppa tea that would be amazing! Totally up to you, we’ll still be friends!
This looks absolutely stunning, Nanette. And I agree with Jane. No one else judges our work half as harshly as we do our own. So when we’re actually PROUD of something we’ve created, it’s a very odd feeling. I’m sure most people feel the same even if they’re not entirely honest about it in public.
It looks like a stunning book Nanette! Congratulations! I can certainly relate to that thing of spotting little things you wish you had done better when it's too late - but I can guarantee no-one else notices...